Regina Askia writes on domestic violence against women

Former Nollywood star Regina Askia Williams took to her Facebook wall to express 

her thoughts on domestic violence and how it can be avoided. In the piece, she 

addressed the notion by some women who believe a man beats a woman out of love.

 She says any violent act in a relationship is the shadow image of fear and that the

 best thing to do is to deal with the root cause of the fear. Find her incisive post after the cut...

Domestic Violence
What the heck is that? Folks this is only for mature minds and not a forum for ridicule,

 small talk nor look good ops. This is a serious issue. We all know when conflict arises

, and there is an inability to settle amicably, more often than not violence ensues.

 Why? One party feels he/she needs to be heard and the other party is just not trying

 to hear it, voices are raised, words turn salty, things are thrown around including

 punches, regrettably.
 
Now if you are at the receiving end of those “salty words” or the landing pad for those 

flying objects and punches you feel a variety of emotions. First you feel small, then 

emotionally hurt, then physical degradation, the physical being the most dangerous 

of them all. You can get over words if you work at it, therapy can get you over

 wounded emotions, but how do you get over scars and post traumatic reenactments

 of fleeting moments when death said hello. How do you reconcile when you hear

 stories of those in that same situation who actually passed on. The person at the

 launch end of the punch also feels fleeting gratification that frustrating moments of

 torture from a mouthy ‘bi*ch” are over…but wait….she/he is not moving. Damn,

 I didn’t even hit her so hard. Waves of panic and terror take turns. Frantic efforts 

at reviving the fallen may be successful or not. Then comes bitter regret and the

 “I am so sorry” which too often also comes with “It is too late”. Note that sometimes

 there is absolutely no remorse, “We hear remarks like “Look what you made me do” 

or “Bit*ch asked for it”. Snoop Dog sings “If a bit*ch gets an attitude, pop it like its hot” yeah. 
 
The question now is why do we feel the need to physically strike out at another when we

 feel we must impose our way of thought or action on them. What is that need to have 

others conform or get hurt? Now if we hurt them enough to get them to fall in line, have 

we secured true change or secured an act as a means of self-protection by our victims?

 In this case who is fooling who? As we reflect on these please consider your partners

 in relationships, your spouses and yes your children. Being raised African I often got the

 switch as did we all when we stepped out of line or when we chose to do business with

 the devil as in lying or stealing. Those were the big ones. Of course I turned out a well-rounded,

 well-adjusted individual I hope. But then how did this teach me to deal with frustrating situations?

 You got it right, the switch and if you were “bigger” than me, my mouth. Oh dear, you don’t 

want to be at the other end of my mouth. I don’t curse, I only tell the crystal truth with brutal

 delivery and at less than appropriate moments. Some would call them fighting words,

 starting sh*t or asking for it. Same reaction applies with violent spouses and relationships.

 In frustrating moments we attack each other with whatever arsenal at our disposal. 

Like animals the physically stronger survives. But we are more than animals, we are

 thinking reasoning people. So why do we react the way we do? 
It is clearly time for a journey into self. What if at the moment of escalation like

 voices getting raised, we stop and walk away, or decide to leave it for another minute.

 What if at the moment you feel like raising your hand you imagine it was landing on your

 own face? What about writing your frustrations down on paper and discussing it with each 

other. We need to realize that violence begets violence. We especially African and African

 Americans need to find other ways for conflict resolution. With our children, we must talk

 and reason with them and follow up with modelling the required behavior and rewarding 

it when met. I really used to wonder why some parents would stand by and let their kids

 act out in the store, jack knifing and rolling all over the floor, because kid wants some 

toy whereas they could give one good slap on the butt and that nonsense is over. 

Now I know they let the child pull all his /her tricks while they stand firm on “No dear, 

you can’t have yet another Robocop”. Our children learn what we teach.

 I remember also (though sadly) when my kids acted up on outings and when 

we were driving home and I was all silent, my daughter would start asking

 “Mommy are you my friend” because she knew she was going to get a

 spanking for acting up. 
 
We may be tempted to say that’s different from domestic violence, but violence is

 violence no matter the form. The sad thing about violence is that it’s cyclical, you 

will keep being violent, salty or “keep asking for it” unless you make a conscious effort 

to change the way you react in frustrating situations. If your spouse has hit you once,

 he will do it again. He will kneel with tears and a tremulous voice and beg your forgiveness,

 he will apologize, with flowers, shoes (leboutins , you know it), candle lit dinners and the

 sweetest (kiss and make up) loving. Aah yes!! for better or for worse. Stupid world people

 keep trying to break you up, you figure. In fact both of you will call up all those nosy pokers

 and warn them to mind their business and stay out of your relationship. For a while you will

 exchange secret smiles which will become quick unsmiling glances with silences you

 cannot explain, tension builds, arguments over silly stuff like why this cup is sitting on

 the side table and not in sink and an explosive argument over yet another mundane like

 a missed call. Then the flying objects and the blows come down. Who you going to call?

 You warned everybody to stay away and he knows because he made sure you have no

 relationships a mile outside of you and him. You are in a choke hold, all is quiet, his face

 is an inch from

 yours contorted in anger and vehemence, but all you hear is a ringing in your ears, 

you feel your body slacking and did you just fart? Damn. 
 
Unless we make a conscious effort to deal with frustration differently we will continue

 to be violent, teach violence and experience violence in our families and society. 
 
I have heard some flawed thinking from my African sisters; he beats me because he 

loves me. How come he does not let you beat him because you love him or don’t you? 

We cannot blame being violent with someone on “they made me do it”. No one can tell 

you how to control yourself or how to react to situations except you. Only you have the 

power to change you. Some men think it’s a power thing to slap someone into conforming

 but wise folks know that VIOLENCE IS THE SHADOW IMAGE OF FEAR.

 What are you so afraid of? The manly thing to do would be to really face that

 fear and deal with it rather than choose the cowardly way of beating up on a

 weaker person. A man incontinent with rage is as embarrassing as one incontinent

 of his bowels. (We could forgive bowel incontinence because it may be a medical condition).

 Now for those of us, who really have an out of control problem with rage, GET HELP now.

 We don’t want to see you on the six “o’clock news as having hurt somebody. For those

 women in abusive relationships get help or get out. We also don’t want to see you on

 the news as dead or as having shot somebody. Having said that, don’t expect an

 overnight change to a condition that took a life time to breed. The condition of violence

 and rage requires painstaking deconstruction during which there may be relapses. 

Some people recover while others take a while, but you should not wait around to find out. 
 
There are a myriad of services for women and men in violent situations. 

There are also so many schools of thought on those services being targeted at

 destroying the black family unit, denying black kids a home, encouraging divorce

 among black folks and the further debasing of the black male(pointing them towards jail)

 and female (driving them to prostitution). Again, personal responsibility comes into play.

 Only you can choose the direction where your life leads. Just remember those things

 will happen with worse consequences when YOU are dead and your kids taken to

 foster homes. The above reasons are the poorest excuse to stay in a situation or

 relationship where your life is in danger. A strong black family needs men and

 women with their heads screwed on right. Get help if you need help. 
 
My next post will focus us learning to handle frustration. I would also appreciate

 comments from those brave ones among you who have been to anger management 

classes. I would also appreciate comments on this black footballer who struck his 

fiancée and knocked her out cold and the one who put the switch on his son and

 is now facing child abuse charges. We must find another way other than violence. 
 
Let us walk in love and not in fear. Enjoy your weekend!!. Cheers.